I’ve been a traveller for 17+ years. (On and off)
In the past 9 or so I’ve been involved in offering free hospitality, accommodation or simply a friendly face to those that asked for it.
It’s been an unbelievable journey so far. I’ve stayed with people I would never have met and been lucky enough to host some really engaging and delightful people.
4 odd years ago I joined http://www.couchsurfing.com.
It’s a site not without its share of complaints but it does what it sets out to do quite well, brings like minded people together.
I’ve hosted some amazing people through couchsurfing and have not regretted a single one.
However, over the last new years holiday I got a request from a German by the name of Stefanie Landau.
Her request, while brief was at a good time and I asked her for more info as she wanted to bring a friend..
Anyhoo, what followed was my worst experience to date with couchsurfing.com
Here is a transcript of our ‘private’ and then public messages.
I was outraged to be labelled as an ogre by a new member that doesn’t really ‘get’ the point of surfing.
I document this for myself so that I can always be reminded that there are people in the world that don’t share my belief that respect and honesty are the first things that we must cherish as human beings. I wouldn’t mind so much if we’d met.. but to be labeled in such dreadful terms as you’ll read without evidence or reason troubles me greatly.
For someone that has desires to go into the film industry, a very public forum, I’m surprised she acted the way she did. Then again, may be her professional head is clearer than her ‘friendly’ head.
Here goes:
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The original request
Title: Around New Years Eve
Stefanie Landau, Berlin, Age: 23 ,Gender: Female
Grew up in: Kassel, Hessen
Identity checked & location verified!
References: 4, Friends: 5
Details
City: London, London,
Arrival Date: 28/12/2011
Departure Date: 05/01/2012
Number of Surfers: 2
Stefanie Landau
11 December 2011 – 16:12
Hello,
how are you? I‘m great and on the way to find a host for New Year‘s Eve in London.
We are two girls: uncomplicated, funny, often out, clean and we wanna celebrate the New Year‘s Eve in London. That‘s my couchsurfing profile and my facebook-profile http://www.facebook.com/xxx [edited to prevent direct linking and people spamming her, if she ever writes to me to ask that I edit this post to include her details, I shall] .
We would bring a gift for you, helping cleaning and fill up the fridge with nice food as well. Be free to ask me more. If you have space for only one or a few days, tell us, we would be happy about every day!
Cheers,
Stef
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Nice enough, so I replied:
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Tristan Pretty
11 December 2011 – 17:44
Who is your friend..?
I only host surfers.
I can maybe help for a few days..
Let me know.. x
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I do only host surfers, so it’s typical with many hosts to ask who else is going to come into their homes.
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Stefanie Landau
11 December 2011 – 18:54
http://www.couchsurfing.org/people/xxx/ That’s my friend. [edited to protect identity]
That would be nice, if it works 
.
How are you?
Stef
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Wonderful,. I now know who exactly has requested to stay in my home. I have those dates free and I’m delighted to have another happy soul come into my home.
While I’m not 21 anymore myself, I let her know that I’ll be keeping it chilled on NY eve.
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Tristan Pretty
11 December 2011 – 22:12
Well, I may not go crazy on NY eve, but I give my surfers keys, so if you wanna go off and do the tourist stuff, you’ll be fine.
Let me know what you wanna get up to while you’re here…
I’ve got another semi regular surfer staying too.. but she’s small and there’s space for you all
I’ll put you in the diary..
Looking forward to hanging.. x
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Great.. so she’s in my Couchsurfing.com calendar and I sadly start saying no to all the other great requests.
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Stefanie Landau
12 December 2011 – 13:22
Thanks a lot.
a months ago we would go to london after NY eve, but the most friends won’t be in Berlin because they celebrate at their homes. So we thought if we wanna go to london we could combine it with celebrating NY’eve. My exchange partner form 2003 comes from Saffron Walden. And I’ll go there to..
Moreover I’m thinking about to make a movie in london. I think you saw I’m a film student and I wanna apply for a filmschool .
Looking forward to hanging too!!xo
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Aw, she shared a little about herself, said thanks and even is looking forward to hanging out too, the perfect surfer!
However, after 10 days I realise I’ve not sent her my address. As I’ve not heard from her I check she’s still coming.
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Tristan Pretty
22 December 2011 – 16:33
Yo.. Still coming next week? x
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4 days later with no reply I try again.
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Tristan Pretty
26 December 2011 – 18:09
Hi there..
I’ve got lots of other requests, can you please confirm if you’re coming or not?
I don’t want loose the opportunity to host someone else if you’re not coming..
Let me know ASAP…
Tris…
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Right, that’ll do! She knows that I’ve got other requests and she’ll be along in no time to let me know.
I’m reluctant to cancel the request as she may be all go and come in at the last min to get my address.. it’d be shitty if I gave the couch to someone else when she was counting on it.. I’ve never let a surfer down and didn’t wanna start now!
Nothing for a couple of days, so I write again (hoping she’s not dead in a ditch somewhere)
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Tristan Pretty
28 December 2011 – 13:41
I guess you’re not coming?
When you do read this, please reply so I can leave in your reference that you did eventually get in contact.
Tris..
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The referencing system in couchsurfing.com is locked to the recipient and is used to let other potential hosts or surfers the real experiences had by them.
I’d want my reference to be fair, honest and accurate.
After another day and a very clear realisation I gave her a Neutral reference (you can give Pos, Neg or Neutral, all based on your experience. It’s rare to give a negative reference unless you really felt in danger or disrespected etc.
Anyhoo, my reference, flagged as Neutral.
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I was supposed to host her and her friend over new years.
As it’s a busy time of year, I asked several times to confirm she was still coming as I have many other requests.
She never replied to them. Our initial conversations were polite and friendly enough, hence me not leaving a negative reference.. but I was not impressed that she just ignored me, I could’ve helped someone else out if she’d let me know.
I’m sure there’s a good reason, but she never told me what it was.. I hope she’s well.
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Wonderful, that’s done, No word from her over xmas and the new years celebration. I’m sure she’s fine, probably found another host and was having too much fun to tell me.
A Shame and she’ll know next time to stay in touch with people that are expecting her..
All over…
Until on the 12 JAn… I get this message.
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Hello,
please delete the reference which you gave me! I have no time to answer everybody who says no and friend hosted us, I didn’t know that she lives in london.
I’m in my last months in my masters and I’m really busy. I can’t spend to much time in communication sorry! PLEASE DELETE THE REFERENCE! THANKS!
Cheers,
Stef
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Oh, so a friend hosted her, I bet that was fun for her.. staying with friends over New Years.. I did that myself.. good times
However, my reference did relate to the facts as I saw them and her message confirmed that.
I’d never given a neutral reference before, so I thought I’d better ask my fellow London hosts for a little advice. Should I simply do as she demands, or stand by the truthful reference?
So I ask the question in one of the many forums found on couchsurfing.com and then reply to her with this:
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My gut reaction was no.. but I’ve thought about it and I’ve created a thread here:
http://www.couchsurfing.org/group_read.html?gid=618&post=11091579
I’ve not given your name and hidden your identity incase any idiots wanna write to you and be nasty.
However, if you want to make your identity known, feel free.
I’ll check this thread for the next few days and see what the CS vibe is.
I did leave it thinking you were coming, I changed my the status to accepted and you then replied to that acceptance. You then never showed up. I@m sure that life got in the way.. but I was waiting when I didn’t have to be.
Hence the neutral reference.
Sorry if you disagree, but that’s how I feel…
Tris…
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A little firm, but again.. fair.. I leave it a few days and then go back to the forums. A landslide opinion that I should leave the reference as is and explain again to her that I was waiting for her and had to refuse several people each day (we get up to 10 requests a day in London during the holidays, summer and winter) because she’s stopped corresponding.
Great.. I get validation and reply to her this:
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Hi there..
Well, the results are in and I’ve decided to leave the reference.
A London moderator wrote to me directly and said that if that’s what happened, then that’s what my reference should reflect.
If you want to complain to a higher level, this is the guy I’m talking about:
http://www.couchsurfing.org/profile.html?id=XXXX [EDITED TO PROTECT THE GUYS IDENTITY, HE WAS ACE THOUGH!]
Sorry you feel wronged or incorrectly referenced, but I stand by my words.
Good luck in the future however.. I hope that this does not affect your life too much.
Peace and love.
Tris…
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Great…! I’ve calmly and politly given her all the facts, told her who to contact if she still disagrees with my reference and wished her well.
Happy days….
Well, until on the 14th Jan, She sends me this:
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That’s the rudest and most ignorant attitude I ever have seen on a social network. And you are a fucking liar, than some guys wrote me. And you said you hided my identity. That’s more than horrid!
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Um, yes.. I had ‘hidded’ your identity (Though it turns out I’d forgotten to hide her facebook profile like.. not a FB user really I just forgot to look for it.. my bad).
I told you I did in my initial messages.I thought that was the nice thing to do to save you getting messages from hosts that might be tired of spoilt brats spouting their tantrums to the world.
I thought it was the right thing to do.. but no, she wanted to not be ‘hidded’.. so in all future forum posts, I clearly identified her.
Not exactly sure why I’m a ‘fucking liar’.. Cause there is not alot to lie about. However, I’m sure she’s just not used to being told that she’s wrong.
I’ll give her a few days to calm down, then I’m sure she’ll reply with a more rational and reasoned response..
….
5 mins later:
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And why didn’t write you my friend a reference. Because we wrote all messages together! your are unfair! And I never have get a message from you!
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A fair point. But her friend had had no contact with me and I could not confirm that that person even knew about me.
I often arrange hosts for my CS friends when we travel together and it’s not uncommon to let me get on with the job of finding a host. So I presumed that the friend was in the same boat.
Also by this point, a poster on the forum I had running (it was getting quite popular) sugggested I move the post to a more relevent forum.. so I did.
Now it was time to reply again:
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Well, if you’d like me to give her a neutral reference let me know. Though I don’t think that would be in anyone’s best interest.
I previously posted the thread to you, but her it is again in case you missed it.
I also posted on a more appropriate forum. The views were very interesting and varied.
I again invite you to offer your side of things and to defend yourself on this open and honest forum. But what ever you do I again offer you good luck to you in your travels…
http://www.couchsurfing.org/group_read.html?gid=618&post=11091579
http://www.couchsurfing.org/group_read.html?gid=1075&post=11091888
Peace and love…
Tris…
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Well, there we go..
Good luck in your travels… Here’s a place you can really share your side of things.
I mean what more could I do, without removing the reference stating that she simply failed to show up?
Hmmm, but then several minutes later:
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Annd the truth is. I wasn’t in england because I was at hospital a few weeks. And I guess you wouldn’t check cs when you have big hygenic problems! Moreover I had no internet. Normally I would tell it but you are so stupid to realice yourself.
It’s not nice to write about people you don’t know and if you don’t know the backgrounds! But some day you will get punisment for that attitude. You can be sure!
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Oh my!
Not only was Stefanie Landau hosted by a friend in London over new years. She was also NOT in England AND in hospital. With that much travel between the hospital, her friends house in London there’s no wonder she never had a chance to check her mail. I always have problems connecting to wireless at airports.. I felt her pain.
However, it didn’t sway me to change my reference now that she claimed to be in two places at once. The fact that I are so stupid to realise that she might have had a big hygenic problem was a failing on my part. Why wasn’t that my first gut reaction. Oh so often have I been waiting for friends in the pub when after they don’t show for 15 mins I rush to the conclusion that they’re in some kind of personal hyge… oh no wait, they texted.. running late.. well, that was a relief.
It’s not nice to say someone failed to show up when they infact failed to show up. (yep, you read that correctly.. apparently)
Well, like she says, I’ll be punished someday. Punished for speaking the truth..? Wow, I’m now in the same category as Galileo (to name one of many).. I’m kinda honoured.
But the show must go on..
So I reply:
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To be honest..
I could have given a negative reference, but chose not to cause there was probably a story there I didn’t understand.
Instead, I simply gave a neutral one.
Not a nasty one, not hard feelings, I simply stated the truth from my perspective.
I invite you to write to me as much as you like until you feel you have got all your feelings off your chest. It’s good for the soul.
However, I stand by my reference of what happened and am not going to upgrade it to a negative reference just yet.
I’d prefer that we correspond in future without resorting to bad language… but that’s just my opinion.
As always… peace and love…
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Well, there we go again.. calm, polite.. prefect
I should perhaps have not told her to be polite. I am a firm believer in the freedom of speech and therefore it IS her right to use whatever foul language she likes.. I regret saying that to her.
But over all, nice. Done, dusted and clean
Until the following morning, I get a new reference on my profile…
MY first negative one ever.. quite an occasion. I bet it’s filled with all sorts of misdeads I performed from a previous host I um, hosted. No wait, that’s not possible, I’ve always treated my guests as I’d like to be treated.. Hmm, so that means… :
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He is the opposite of nice a guy. I wanted to stay in his house, but I passed through an unexpected accident. And I wasn’t able to go online for three weeks and so I couldn’t reply.
Moreover I gave him a alternative better contact possibility but he has never written me there.(There it would be the same problem, I couldn’t go online, but he had to try it before he became rude).
I wrote him my case but he don’t want to listen.
It’s not nice to write about about people without knowing the person and her/his background. He proved as unsympathetic, ignorant, selfish and mean.
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Wow.. her stay in London with her friend that was infact a hygene problem is now an accident. My word!
This girl has no luck! No internet for 3 weeks.. I’d be a little lost myself. What’s even MORE astounding is that her original request was made roughly 2 weeks before she contacted me again… meaning she’d had to dictate all her correspondence to me via someone else! That must have been terrible for her.
She did offer me alternative correspondence, but call me Mr Thicky, but we were corresponding on couchsurfing.com.. Was I supposed to know to switch to alternative communication methods, that she couldn’t have received anyway cause she lost the internet for 2 weeks.. sorry 3 weeks… and was in hospital.. at her friends house.. in London.. in Germany… I’m very confused…
I ever did reply to her.
I changed my reference in frustration at her stupidity and close minded arrogance (I’ve been accusd of that when I was her age.. so I should really cut her some slack) pointing out a few errors in her facts and linking to a list of our correspondence. From my perspective all a new comer to this situation would have is her neg reference and my neutral one.. not a fair coverage of the truth I felt.
At this point someone on the forum conversations has reported the reference and it was hidden.
Apparently you’re not allowed to link to external sites.. fair enough I didn’t know so I changed it to simply say she was troublesome and tiresome.
Well, after much discussion in teh forums, I realised that I was pissed off at being accused of things I was innocent of.
But the fact remained that I have 100+ GREAT references and could get more character references that I’d know what to do with..
So I reverted my reference to the neutral one I stated earlier and thanked those on teh forums for their input and guidance.
All in all, I’ve learnt that Stefanie Landau is currently a bad surfer, at least to me.
She lies and cannot take neutral criticism ( I shudder to think what would have happened had I committed to giving her a NEGATIVE one!).
Her world perspective is skewed.. but then I hav to admit.. was I much better when I was 23..?
Well, yes.. I’d already been travelling for 5 years at that point and could call several place over the globe ‘home’.. all before couchsurfing.com, the internet even and mobile phones.
She’ll find her way and I hope that in years to come she’ll look back on this and giggle at it all.
We learn from our mistakes.. that’s what makes the journey more interesting..
I believe in 100% honesty, openness and the truth.
Everything that’s posted on the web is there to be read and reviewed.
As long as those words are not misrepresented or altered.. I say share share share..!
I wish her well and hope that no one else in the world treats her as she treats others…
Peace and love..
Links to the forums for those that are REALLY interested.. but I’m sure your heads all drifted off when Stefanie Landau became capable of being in two places at once.
First one I posted.
http://www.couchsurfing.org/group_read.html?gid=618&post=11118526
Than later on this one, the same message
http://www.couchsurfing.org/group_read.html?gid=1075&post=11118551
So now you have THREE threads talking about this!
I think your responses were beyond reasonable and showed a good deal of restraint, where lesser people would be much more combative. And I agree with keeping the reference: that’s exactly what references are for. She could have replied to the reference with an explanation of exactly what happened and why she didn’t respond, which would then make her look great. Currently her negative reference against you just makes her look bad.
Honestly, i feel kind of sorry for her. Her youth has worked against her….if she’d been wiser and more gracious she could have made things her a lot better for herself, possibly got the neutral reference removed and saved herself from all that anger she has.
I agree with you that that negative reference is not gonna have any real impact – your reference is calm and factual, people will easily see what has happened.
I was in a hospital 5 weeks. I’m happy that I’m alive.. it’s stupid to write a page abput that… I will contact the police for publish my name!
Hey there Stef. It is a shame you were sick and in hospital for 5 weeks.
It’s lucky that you got out for long enough while you were sick to email me to complain.. shame you had to go back in again.
What with all the travel you’d done, you must be very tired!
You have my contact details, feel free to get the police details and I’ll co-operate in anyway with their enquiries.
I blog about things that tickle me, so I don’t find it stupid.. i guess we’re all different
Have fun with the punishment! That’s your choice!
And yes I had my iphone with me!
If that’s what happened then you are entitled to give an accurate reference and tell your side of the story. There isn’t a good excuse for not providing information about being able to make it – especially considering it was over a period of 5 weeks and she had her iPhone with her the whole time. The first thing she should have done is apologise about not informing you about not making the couch surf, instead of complaining about neutral feedback!
Cheers for that Andrew.
The simple fact is that she was never apologetic.
Had she given me a neutral reference too saying, ‘I couldn’t stay but he was nice enough to offer’ or something.. then offer her excuses about being in London and hospital in Germany at the same time, then cool.
But no, I just got abuse and threats.
I treat people how they treat me. simple rule, easy to follow.
I’ve extended my offer to talk to whatever legal entity she chooses to use to threaten me further. I am willing to co-operate in anyway, but I don’t respond to bullies and threats.
Sigh, rant over… I’m off to enjoy the snow!
But the fact is: It’s a criminal offence to publish a name and the private messages without the permission of this person. You contravened against my personal rights and I called with the police and bring a charge against you. The European Court of Justice decided that the laws of the country where the victm lives shall apply. So in this case: It’s Germany!
He has never asked me to delete the reference and that’s my view of the situation. He doesn’t know the real backgrounds. And yes in the first two weeks I had no phone, because I wasn’t able but in the cure I saw you messages. It’s not nice to be prejudiced: It’s a bad charakter anyway.
You have the right to make a reference but not to publish a name without the permission.. so you did a criminal offence.
Cheers!
If you change the name in Stefanie L. I would abandon the criminal complaint: You have the choice!
To be honest as I’ve said many many times, I wish you no ill.
But the thing that keeps me going is that you never once said sorry. Maybe it’s a ‘lost in translation’ thing?
But you never once in all the various and conflicting excuses said you held any kind of regret for not showing up. Just excuses.
I was waiting for someone to turn up who never showed and turned many other great people away. That made me sad. You only contacted me AFTER I left the neutral reference.
Had you contacted me before that on your iphone, asked a friend to do it etc with 3 words (I can’t come?) I’d have known and would have changed my plans accordingly.
But you said you were in London (QUOTE: “and friend hosted us, I didn’t know that she lives in london.”) and then you were in Hospital for 5 weeks.
Really try and see it from my perspective. What would you do if you were given conflicting information?
Being sick is tough and I feel your pain. What hospital were you at? What were the name of any doctors that treated you, I’d like to send both the hospital and the doctors there some flowers to say thank you. I’m quite serious, good behaviour deserves reward, bad deserves punishment (as you seem to feel too) They clearly did a good job as you are back in fighting form!
If you feel you must go through the courts I shall respect that and co-operate in any way I can. Let me know how I can help with that at all.
You feel you did nothing wrong at all in the whole situation, I’ll respect that too.
Feel free to message me privately if you feel that what you have to say does not belong here.
If it’s not nasty or rude, I shall not post it here.. unless you want me to.
Oh, you said that I never asked you to remove the reference. That’s right.
People died for my right and your right for free speech. It’s something I hold dear and would never want you to not say what’s on your mind.. you, or anyone. Those that read your words in turn will make their own conclusions and that’s a part of society that I hold dear.
So if you feel that the reference was an accurate description of me and the effort I put into hosting you, then please do leave it.
My neutral reference to you was accurate from my perspective.
Looking forward to hearing from you…. seriously.
Oh, if you fancy a Skype chat or something, that might be better too.
What ever I can do to make your life easier.
But I’ll not remove the name unless the situation changes.
Sorry Tristan, but it’s still a criminal offence.. and you must live with the consequence. I never won’t fight anyway.. but now you did a criminal offence.. I have no chance… I have to bring a charge against you. If somebody types my name in google this page will be on the first side and that’s not good for my life! Why are you so ignorant and can‘t go the easy way and just change it in stefanie l..
And I wrote that I slept at my friends house because I think I don’t have to write a stranger from my private problems but after your reaction I had no chance. I couldn’t write the first time… I’m really sorry.. But than I saw you message and your reference.. and you are right.. it’s your right to give one.. but I think it was a neutral icon but the message was negative and it damaged my image.. so I never will find hosts again. But I know I emotinaly overreact but I was in a bad mood and I got a shock. And I would never react like you. If somebody won’t come without saying I would think: Whatever, now I have time for myself! I wouldn’t start a vendetta like you and ruin the image at the whole internet. And above all: Because of NOTHING.
I can‘t contact you private! I have no details and I deleted my account on couchsurfing. I can‘t delete the reference, maybe it disappeared after the deleting?!? I would call with you via skype but I don‘t want to publish my account on this page. than contact me private.
No problem.
I’ve sent you a message to your Uni email.. if I got the address right :p
If you don’t get one from me there in a day or so, let me know and I’ll post it to your google Plus wall, as I can set that to private.
Just as good as an email.
Hope to hear..
I did get it. And when I read it. I think it was “lost in translation” anyway. and it’s unfair that one is a native speaker and the other one not.
Yes, it is a shame.
I could ask one of my German or Austrian friends to help you with translations if you like?
It’s important that we understand each other…
God this is all good fun isn’t it!
I don’t think it was a missunderstanding but I wanted to stay in peace last night!
I’ll answer you tomorrow evening after uni.
Mit dem Thema Cyber-Mobbing habe ich mich bereits im wissenschaftlichen Rahmen auseinandergesetzt und nun konnte ich es praktisch am eigenem Leib spüren – sehr interessant.
Ich lass mich nicht länger von Ihnen verarschen und fertig machen. Nehmen Sie Abstand davon mich weiterhin zu kontaktieren. Ich habe Anzeige gestellt!